


Lost and found

by supealavigne



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Near Future, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-03
Updated: 2015-11-03
Packaged: 2018-04-29 18:37:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5138378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supealavigne/pseuds/supealavigne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The song at the end of the fic is from Maboroshi - Arashi, so far the greatest song I've ever listened to (of them) [Why are the songs I find cool always minor?...]</p><p>Please leave a comment please please...</p></blockquote>





	Lost and found

“Welcome home,” Masaki lit up the apartment with his featured smile, which used to kill thousands of fangirls’ hearts all over the country. The smile had been getting older with all those years passed by, but the sunshine on it seemed to never fade away.

There had been a huge chaos a few years ago in Japan when the miracle boy of the nation’s most famous idol group, Arashi’s Aiba Masaki, officially came out as gay and announced the marriage with no one other than one of his bandmates, Sakurai Sho. Fangirls had fainted, some had even attempted to commit suicide. The two of them, of course, had been expeled from Johnny’s Jimusho. Arashi’s popularity soon plummeted afterwards as an obvious consequence. Five years later, Sakurai Sho ended up in a government company and Aiba Masaki had been a diligent househusband.

“Hey,” Sho only waved his hand when Masaki approached him and took his jacket off.

“Dinner is ready in 10 minutes,” Masaki cheerfully said as he returned to their kitchen, “I prepared the bathtub for you, you should go get a shower.”

“Thank you, sweetheart,” Sho left a quick peck on his husband’s lips and headed to the bathroom.

Though happy with all the lovey dovey-ness they have when five years had already passed by, Masaki could barely ignore the fact that the kiss was so tired, and somehow frustrated. He quietly sighed; he knew that his partner had been working hard to support their marriage despite the disapproval of both families and the whole world. His mind traced back to the struggle they had when trying to reach an agreement within the agency five years ago.

“What’s wrong?” Sho had finished his shower. Masaki shook his head, and so they happily shared their simple yet full of love dinner.

\---

“Sho-chan, what do you think about a picnic this weekend?” Masaki suggested when they were cuddling in bed.

“Why do you suddenly want to go for a picnic?” Sho answered with another question, smiling at his lover’s face.

“You have been working all your life, Sho-chan,” Came the reply, “Resting a bit is good for your health, I think.”

“Just being here with you is the best way of relaxing I can ever think of,” Sho gently smiled and hugged the other’s head, “But if you want to, we should give it a try.”

\---

The picnic was a complete disaster. It turned out that many other couples shared their thoughts and came here to spend their weekend. The former Arashi’s members had gotten older but the people around them had no difficulty in recognizing two figures. Japanese people were polite enough to not shoo them away, but throughout the time supposed for just the couple to enjoy their days off, all the things they received was the crowd judging and throwing disgusted look directly to them.

The worst part was that there were families with children. The sight of the kids playing catch with their parents suddenly brought Masaki to a fact that they will never become one of those happy families. The more Masaki knew about how Sho loved to have kids, the sadder he became. Five years ago, his unthoughtfulness had brought the five of them to the bottom of the black pitch. He thought the marriage would be the only savior of their miserable lives, but it turned out to be opposite. He felt desperate for not giving Sho what he really wanted. He felt like an egoist dumbass that onesidedly decided on things who only realized that he screwed up everything after five years.

After returning from the terrible picnic trip, Masaki couldn't hide his disappointment of himself. Sho was apparently upset, but he was sensitive enough not to show it out in front of his partner.

"I'm sorry, Sho-chan," officially replaced the regular cheerful greetings. Masaki cooked dinner in silence, Sho felt even worse.

"You know I love you so much," one day, Sho came home and even before hearing his lover's words, he took the chance, "I love you so much that I agreed on our marriage. I regret nothing, Masaki. I'm happy here with you."

Masaki only replied with a weak smile.

"You know what, Sho-chan, today I watched the VTR recorded five years ago in which Nino told the press about our love," only then did Sho notice his lover's red eyes, "I didn't think about them. I was so childish. I'm sorry, Sho-chan."

Sho sighed and before he could approach his lover, he heard a loud noise from the kitchen.

"Oh God Masaki are you okay?" Sho rushed to his lover's side, pulled him away from the broken dishes, frantically opened and closed any doors within his reach until he found what he was looking for, "Where did I put the bandage?"

Masaki let his husband be when being bandaged. He did not say a word, just stared blankly at his hand. Sho had never felt so worried.

"You should order something to eat, dinner has not been prepared," Masaki simply said as he stood up and walked straight to the bedroom. A while later, Sho found the whole untouched dinner in the garbage bin. He let out a quiet sigh and slowly stepped into their room just to find his partner curling up on the bed in insecurity.

Sho gently massaged his husband's shoulder, "Are you tired, Masaki? I'm sorry for leaving you with a pile of household chores. Maybe this weekend I'll stay at home and help you with the cleaning up."

"No, you should go somewhere," Masaki tiredly smiled at the suggestion, "Jun-kun invited you to his party, didn't he?"

"Yes but I want to be with you," he said giving the other a kiss on the neck.

"You should go, and you will," Masaki replied.

\---

Sho decided to leave the party early. He had fun with his former bandmates but at the same time he was worried about his lover who insisted on staying home to finish his housework. 

"Tell him that we love him," Ohno waved at him, and he grinned back.

"I will come over next week," Ninomiya claimed firmly, "I miss that idiot as fuck."

"Me too," Jun happily smiled.

Sho returned home with bliss on his face. He unlocked the door and found the whole apartment filled with silent darkness. He turned on the light, wondering if his husband had gone to the supermarket. It was strange when returning home to nobody at all. 

Sho took a look at the prepared meal on the dining table. Maybe his husband was only taking a nap in their bedroom. He slightly shook his head and smiled at the image of a peacefully sleeping Aiba Masaki.

He walked into the bedroom and saw no one there. That was when he realized that all of Masaki's belongings had been gone. He was terrified at the fact that his one and only life partner was no longer there. His hand was trembling when he dialled Masaki's number just to hear the answering machine speaking in monotone. He called all of Masaki's friends, but nobody knew his whereabouts.

He fell on the floor in hopelessness and found a sheet of paper on the drawer.

_Hey, Sho-chan,_

_I thought you would get back from the party early so I prepared this letter a few days ago when you were at work. Sorry for sneaking like that._

_I love you, I have always loved you and I will always love you. That's why I have to leave as soon as possible. I was a jerk who onesidedly ruined Arashi's career as well as yours. You had worked hard your entire life for the sake of it, and I only cared about my selfish wish. When you meet them again, tell them I'm sorry._

_I'm sorry for not being able to bear your children. You have been hiding the whole time, but I know that your parents disowned you for real. I'm sorry, Sho-chan. Go back and apologize to them, tell them you have divorced with me, and get married to a wife who can give birth to the kids you've been longing for._

_From now on, Aiba Masaki is no longer husband to Sakurai Sho. I will send you the divorce form in a few days. You are free now. Thank you for putting up with me during our precious 5 years._

_Your ex-husband,  
Aiba Masaki._

Sho roared in desperation. He had never felt so helpless. He needed to see his lover right away to deny everything written in the letter. No one ever blamed Masaki for anything, how come did he even think of all these?

That night, the rest of Arashi assembled in Sho's flat. They couldn't do anything to stop the man from crying and desperately dialling any number in his phone book.

\---

About three days later, Sho finally got back to work, but he was still in unstable condition. He kept on asking each and every person flashing across his mind about where Masaki would be. Obviously, he never had a proper answer.

After a week of living miserably, Sho received a call from a strange number.

"Yes?"

"Are you Sakurai-san?" A male voice came from the other end of the line.

"It's me. And you are?" Sho replied a bit annoyedly.

The other end stuttered a little before continuing, "I am Aiba Masaki's brother."

Sho met the caller in that very afternoon. He fidgeted on his chair waiting for the man to arrive. He immediately recognized the face when the man walked into the cafe. He was tall and had the face of young Aiba Masaki.

"My brother came to my place a few days ago in a horrible condition. He was seriously drunk and now deep in depression," the man went straight to the point.

"Can I meet him?" Sho asked nervously.

"Not now," the other sighed, "You shouldn't see him right now. My wife used to study nursing and she is taking great care of him. Don't worry."

"Why can't I meet him?"

"He is not in the condition that allows him to meet anyone, Sakurai-san. And we're afraid that his depression will only get more severe when he sees you."

Sho let out a heavy sigh. He was relieved that he finally managed to find out about Masaki's whereabouts. However, the desire to meet his lover again expanded in his chest. As if had been completely reading Sho's mind, the man added, "If you want to see him that much, please follow me to my house, but only for a little bit. And make sure he can't see you."

Sho nodded without a second thought.

\---

The man drove Sho to his place not far away from the cafe. His heart was pounding like crazy, he could not wait any longer.

"Wait here. Stand right here behind the tree," the man instructed, Sho completely obeyed.

He sneaked a look into the living room where the man had gone to. There was a woman and a sleeping child on her lap. Where was Masaki?

"Brother, what are you doing?" Came the man's voice.

Sho tried to look at the man's direction. His heart was filled with tears of happiness when he saw a familiar figure.

"I'm drawing," Masaki's voice was hoarse and he was thinner and older than ever. Sho could see a faint smile on his face when he described his picture to his brother, "This is Sho-chan. Here is Nino, Riida, and Jun-kun."

"Where are you in this drawing?"

"Here," Masaki pointed at something smaller on the other side of the paper, "A pile of shit."

Then he laughed at himself. The laughter sounded childlikely cheerful yet so bitter, which somehow brought Sho to tears.

"Hey Masato," Masaki’s eyes turned wide, he suddenly grabbed his brother's sleeve in horror, "Where is Sho-chan?"

Sho almost jumped on his feet. Masaki was not supposed to know that he was there.

"Sakurai-san is at home, don't you remember?" The man gently held his brother's hand to calm him down, as if he had been familiar with this.

"I can smell him, Masato," Masaki pleaded, "Is he here? I can feel him."

The woman got on her feet and tried to lift Masaki up from the ground.

"Masaki-san, shall we go to bed? It's time for some sleep."

"Yuuki-chan," Masaki seemed calmer when being around his brother's wife, "I can feel him. He smells like expensive shampoo."

"Is that so?"

"Yes, and it's exactly what I bought for him. The cologne flavor."

Masaki stood up, and Sho could get a hint of his birthmark under the loosened shirt. Sho was dying to run to his lover and hold the skinny figure tight in his arms. He would regret nothing to bring Masaki back, even resigning from his current office job to take care of him. Tears streamed down his face without him even realizing. He felt so broken. He remembered the promise he made with Masaki's brother, so he tried his hardest to hold back the sob.

When Masaki and his sister-in-law disappeared behind the door, Masato let out a relieved sigh. He came to Sho, who was holding his breath in silence, and patted his back.

"He's gotten better. I promise I will bring him back to your apartment as soon as he is free from depression."

"How could you call something like that 'better'?" Sho groaned silently like an injured animal, "He's not Masaki anymore."

"He is. He always is, no matter how bad his depression gets," the man sounded a bit annoyed, "Honestly, I was mad at you. You didn't take care of my brother as much as you promised to my family. I intended to keep him here for good, but my wife said you weren't at fault. Calling you and letting you see him are all her ideas."

Seeing Sho completely frozen, the man conceded, "And he's gotten much better. You don't know him when he first appeared at my house. All drunk and bruised and acting like a lunatic. He even tried to kill himself the second night here," he paused, "I would love to keep him here and look after him, but as you can see, I have two kids, and I cannot care for all three. My parents haven't known about this yet. Please wait another week until he gets better. I will call you back."

Sho tried to proceed the man's words and his logic self convinced him to agree with Masaki's brother. He got home that night, decided to drink a bit.

\---

Three days later, he finally got a call from Aiba Masato. Having butterflies in his stomach, he received the call just to hear huffs and puffs from the other end of the line.

"He... He has gone..."

"What?!" Sho was at work, but he couldn't hold back a high-pitched scream.

"I don't know what happened," the man sounded just as horrified as Sho, "He just... disappeared. Since the day you came, his condition has turned even worse, he kept seeking for you all around the house. He got completely insane, Sakurai-san."

"I will call you back later," Sho tried to collect himself. Right after hanging up, he rushed out of the office.

There was only one place he could possibly think of.

Sho drove straight to their shared apartment. The elevators were all in use, and he couldn't wait any longer. He climbed up the stairs to the 7th floor. As expected, he was right. The door of the flat wasn't locked like when he left it that morning. He let out a long breath and pushed the door.

"Welcome home," Masaki was startled a little bit, yet he smiled brightly and greeted Sho as if nothing had ever happened.

"Masaki..." Sho thought he was going to rush in and hold his lover tight, but something was holding his feet.

"You sure are messy, Sho-chan," Masaki looked around the living room and pointed at a pile of empty cans in the corner, "You drank this much? It's not good for your health, you know."

Sho was extremely confused. Masaki was exactly Masaki. But he himself observed his lover's insanity just a few days ago and he just heard Aiba Masato about his brother worsened condition an hour back. He didn't know how to react.

"Are you eating properly?" Masaki walked to the fridge, "This can of meat is out of date, Sho-chan, why didn't you buy something fresher?"

Sho just froze at the door. Masaki was just as thin as the Masaki he saw in his brother's house. Why is he so normal?

"I won't be here for long," Masaki rolled up his sleeves, "I will help you clean up this mess and buy you some food. In the mean time, you should fill in this form. I'm sorry I didn't bring it sooner."

Sho stared at the divorce form that Masaki was showing him. No, it should not be like this.

"Where have you been?" He finally said something that had meaning.

"At my brother's house," Masaki didn't lie, "You should come over sometimes, his cooking is no joke."

And then he added, "I'm sorry I have never cooked you such delicious meals."

Aware that he was going to cross the border between sanity and insanity, Masaki grinned and pulled Sho in, "Hurry up. My brother will be worried if I don't get back soon."

As Masaki turned around and walked inside, Sho reached to his lover and hold him from the back, not able to utter a single syllable. "What are you doing?" Came Masaki's voice. Sho didn't reply right away. None of them moved even just a finger.

"Why did you leave me?"

"I did nothing good for you."

"I couldn't even cook a proper meal for myself."

"I can't give you what you want."

"All I want is you. Nothing but you."

"You are just saying that because you saw me being paranoid that day."

Sho was startled. So Masaki knew about his appearance. Was that all just a bullshit stageplay? Was he deceived? So the insanity and the whole fucking thing was not true?

"Like I said, I could feel you, Sho-chan," Masaki conceded, "It was embarrassing to be seen by you in such a situation. But now that you know, my condition is unstable and I will go insane anytime, anywhere. You shouldn't be around me anymore. It will be difficult for you."

Sho suddenly saw a hint of a bruise on his lover's skinny arm. He remembered what Masato said. He felt bad for thinking ill of his beloved husband.

"It will be difficult for me if I don't live with you," Sho tightened the embrace, "I would even resign from my job to take care of you. Our savings are enough for us to live for the rest of our lives."

"Please let me go," Masaki pleaded, "It's not too late to find a sane wife and having sane children, Sakurai."

"I don't need any of those. I only need you."

Sho turned Masaki's face to him and kissed his lips. It was a small peck at first, and then a hot and passionate kiss. Sho missed these full lips as hell. He even remembered the order of the teeth, and the one and only tongue that he would never forget. Suddenly, Masaki struggled to push Sho away. He sure was stubborn when he wanted to. Sho gave in and let his lover catch his breath.

"I don't think it's a good idea."

"But I do," Sho smiled, "Why don't you give me another chance to prove that I love you to death? Why do we have to separate when we both  love each other? Plus, I didn't blame you for not being able to give birth to my kids, I don't ever want my partner to bear such pain, I would rather adopt one from the orphanage. And our friends are leading normal lives of normal people, they are free to meet their girls and get married now, never to be bugged by tight schedules and annoying paparazzis again. They cannot even thank you enough for that."

Masaki stayed silent. "What you did was, and is always a great thing. We were able to be true to ourselves all thanks to you. Every housewife in this world should be jealous of your cooking skill. I can carry on with that boring job because everyday I look forward to returning home to your smile. You are the sunshine even when you're retired from Arashi. You are the sunshine to me, and me only."

Masaki burst into tears at the words of love. Sanity and insanity, he could not define them anymore. All he could think was that he was standing right in front of the love of his life, and the last ten days of separation made him realize that he couldn't live without him. Literally. He even attempted to kill himself.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," Masaki repeatedly mumbled in tears.

They ended up on the floor as two sobbing piles that used to be Sakurai Sho and Aiba Masaki when Aiba Masato arrived at the door with the rest of Arashi members. The two cried their hearts out, not thinking of anything, anyone else in this world. They only had each other. They finally had the chance to cry to their hearts’ content at the age of 40, after experiencing the cruelness of the world they were living in.  


 

  
_At first, when I met you by chance, I knew the reason I'd been born_  
_Coming across this miracle, my heartbeat echoed to the sky  
I'm just an empty shell, wandering around in the middle of a labyrinth that doesn't have you_  


 

**Author's Note:**

> The song at the end of the fic is from Maboroshi - Arashi, so far the greatest song I've ever listened to (of them) [Why are the songs I find cool always minor?...]
> 
> Please leave a comment please please...


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